She is Herself

In the days after Phoenix was put down I was pretty numb. I had things planned and friends to take me out, but all I wanted was time alone with my horse. I wanted to just sit in the saddle, dink around, and generally not do a whole hell of a lot. I got on McKenna three or four days after that day and I know I can't expect that kind of ride out of her. She's just not that type of horse, especially after almost a week off at that point. But I had a lesson scheduled for the next day and figured I should maybe prep for it.

I turned her out while I did her stall and then lunged her before getting on. She didn't play as much as she usually does and was actually really quiet on the lunge line. I got on thinking that maybe, just maybe, on the day I needed it most she would be that quiet easy ride. We walked around on the buckle and picked up a pretty poky trot. She was soft in my hand, just putzing along and I started to relax. Then we came around the corner and she took off like a bat out of hell. We circled back around at the walk and again she bolted out of the corner. Brought her down again and came back to it and she started to go up. I called her some very, very bad names and jumped off. Put her back on the line where she proceeded to try and relive her racing days. I'm not proud of it, but I might have let my anger and grief get to me and chased her a bit with the lunge whip. 

She ran for a solid 15mins and ended up blowing and covered in sweat. Some part of me was grateful that I had clipped her the week before but most of me was furious that she wasn't Phoenix. The ONE day I needed an easy ride and she turns into crazy mare. Luckily the fury had me fired up and not in tears so I got back on and proceeded to immediately put her to work. Lateral work, transitions, changes of direction, serpentines, circles....you name it we did it. It wasn't our best work ever but I got a good 20mins w-t-c out of it. 

Over the past few weeks we've had some good rides and some like the ones above. It still saddens me that she's not Phoenix or Buddy, that she's not the solid broke horse that can take care of me when I need it most. After having her for two years I would have thought we would be past this point. But it has cemented the fact that I want her gone; that she's NOT the horse for me. I have been going back and forth because she is an awesome horse but not MY awesome horse.  I've come way down in her price, basically taking offers at this point. I do have two people wanting to see her this weekend, one of which is my friend's student which would be great because I'd could keep tabs on her. 

It's weird thinking that I won't have a horse of my own once she sells. I've either leased or owned a horse for almost 16yrs straight, and 6 of those I had multiple horses at a time. I still have goals and want to show; I don't want to take a break even if part of me thinks I should. But I need something more like Buddy or Phoenix. I need that steady eddy, not a wild child.